Ode to The Missing Wallet

Nothing is so instantly terrifying and humbling than losing your wallet, cell phone, or keys.  You don't realize how vulnerable a person can be until you are deprived of one of these. 

Where was the last time you saw it?  When was the last time you used it?  Why in the world would you ever take your wallet out of your purse?  What do you mean it could have fallen out the car window when you purchased that caramel macciato at Starbucks???

Did you look in your briefcase?  Did you look under the car seats?  What about in your office?  Did the cleaning lady find it and then decide to keep it?  Is it under the conference table where you took the depositions yesterday?

Why would someone want my wallet?  There was exactly one dollar cash in it, one drivers license, a Commerce debit card, a Target red card, a MasterCard, a MYPanera Rewards card, a Starbucks Gold Rewards card (yeah, I'm kind of a big deal there), my Missouri and Illinois bar cards, and my library card.  There were also a few little business-card sized inspirational messages from The Gathering--my church.  So, if someone wants to pretend to be a nearly-30-something attorney who has good credit, a reputation at Starbucks, and is in need of some churchin', be my guest.  But you should know that I've already put holds on the credit card, both debit cards, and the Starbucks card.  But feel free to rack up rewards points for me on my Panera card.  Oh, and you can play attorney for me for awhile--good luck trying to maintain your sanity and sense of humanity--oh wait--you obviously lost those a long time ago, otherwise, you'd bring my wallet back.

If no one in fact swiped my wallet, and it is actually hiding from me, shame on you wallet!  I've treated you well for a long time.  I thought we were closer than that.  But if you are tired of proving your point, I will welcome you home with open arms.  Just do me a favor and give me a hint as to where you're hiding.  In the meantime, I'll be heading down to the DMV to try and get a replacement drivers license without "another form of photo I.D."  I guess I could use my passport, but that requires a trip to the bank to get it out of my safe deposit box, which I'm pretty sure requires that you present your photo I.D. before entry!  Ha!  Isn't it ironic?