Well, it's been awhile since I last posted, and a lot has happened since then. The short story is that I gave birth to a healthy baby girl and am currently staying at home where I'm working for a dynamic duo that I've affectionately dubbed "the terrorists." Ah, the stories I could tell!
I'm not going to regale you with hilarious stories of my children; instead, I'd like to share with you a phenomenon that I've recently discovered as a stay-at-home mom with WIFI: mommy boards. Particularly, Facebook mommy boards. These are Facebook groups set up by some random mommy who then allows anyone who has the wherewithal to click "send friend request" to join and post at will. What began as a place for mommies to connect with each other and share tips for where to get the best deal on diapers has quickly devolved into a place for delusional women to fill the emotional voids in their lives with the advice and support of complete strangers. Don't get me wrong--there are still completely normal, mostly sane, women such as myself who use these boards for solving debates such as Costco v. Sams, but those posts aren't nearly as entertaining.
The worst offenders have to be those groups centered around the parenting practices of breastfeeding and childwearing (DISCLAIMER: I have breastfed and Baby Bjorn'ed both of my children, so don't think I'm unfairly picking on these groups as an outsider). With no further ado, I give you the top 8 craziest things you'll find on Facebook mommy boards:
1. Requesting (and giving!) Medical Advice:
Would you ask the random blond-haired thirty something that you are standing behind in line at the grocery store whether you should give your six month old ibuprofen for her fever? Of course not! But believe it or not, mommies are relying upon other mommy board followers to figure out everything from how to treat the latest respiratory virus going around to alternative schedules for vaccinations. Keep in mind that none of the posters identify themselves as having any sort of medical training whatsoever, but that doesn't stop the ignorant and entitled from using the board for diagnosis and treatment of actual medical conditions. The worst offenders are those who post pictures of rashes, bug bites, and other skin conditions so that others can weigh in on what they think is wrong with the kid. Just today I saw someone post a picture of the eye crud that she dug out of her kid's eye to ask if it "looked normal"??? Go to the freaking pediatrician you crazies!!! An internet connection and the ability to type something into Google does not an M.D. make!
2. Seeking Marital Advice:
Well, the subheading is a misnomer, because these women are not, in fact, looking for marital advice. They are using the mommy board as a substitute for venting to actual in-person friends. "My husband is so lazy. He never helps around the house--anyone else relate?" Of course we can all relate, because all men are lazy, selfish, ignorant, and stupid sometimes (but guess what, we're not so hot ourselves--hence the public shaming of the significant others online). Instead of divulging all the intimate details of your not-so-great romantic life online, why not invite a friend to coffee and get it out of your system in a fashion that can't be permanently accessed via the internet?!
3. Seeking Legal Advice:
This one may just be a personal issue for me given that I am a licensed attorney, and thankfully, the legal advice requested on mommy boards only extends to custody battles and traffic tickets, but for real people--do not take the advice of complete strangers when the ability to live with your kids, your driving privileges, and other important interests are at stake! Go see the mediator, pay the darn speeding ticket, and just try to get along when and where you can.
4. Seeking Financial Advice:
"HELP--hubs and I are over 10K in credit card debt, officially behind on our mortgage, and it looks like we won't be able to cover our bills again this month--any advice on how to get out of this mess???" Yes. Log off of Facebook, put down your smartphone, and run to the nearest financial professional, because believe it or not, the couponers on the mommy boards are not going to have the necessary knowledge on interest rates, debt-to-income ratios, or financial assistance. And I actually saw someone with a similar crisis turn down advice to follow the Dave Ramsey Financial Peace University program, because "it involves religion and stuff."
5. Public Shaming (husbands, baby daddies, mother-in-laws, etc.):
Don't air your dirty laundry on Facebook people! I don't care if the group is "closed" or "private." No one fully understands how the internet works (just ask Jennifer Lawrence how safe those photos were that she stored on the cloud...). I've even seen mommies vaguely accuse family members of sexual abuse! NEWS FLASH: we all have those times when we think our husbands are idiots, our mothers-in-laws are overbearing, and our bosses are complete jerks, but those trash sessions are best saved for happy hour with our girlfriends (you know, the flesh and blood people that you have conversations with face-to-face who would recognize you in a crowd despite the fact that your Facebook profile picture is your two year old dressed up like Superman).
6. Intentionally Controversial Posts:
Pick any controversial parenting practice that comes to mind, and you can bet that there are those on both sides of the issue who will intentionally "stir the pot" by posting a one-sided article or comment on the mommy board just for the sake of watching other mommies devour each other. It's like throwing a grenade in a crowded room and watching the chaos that ensues. My favorite posts are when someone shares an article from The Onion, and ignorant mommies attack without realizing the sarcastic bent of it all. So much for trying to be dry and witty, Momma!
7. Stalker Posts ("hi" to the momma wearing her squish in the navy blue ergo at the south county Target today!"):
This is just creepy, and it mainly applies to the babywearing mommy boards only. Yay, you noticed other mommies out in the world wearing their children. Unless you intend to approach those mommies in the wild for actual human interaction, no one cares that you spotted four ergos at the zoo on Friday afternoon. And just imagine the horror of coming home from the zoo with your two little ones and discovering that some crazy chick on the mommy boards was silently watching you from afar...most people would refer to that as stalking.
And finally,
8. Posting Inappropriate Photos:
I have seen countless selfies taken of mommies wearing their babies (some post for tips on whether they are using the carrier correctly, which is fine, but others post their pictures just for the publicity, which is kind of sad), the aforementioned "rash" photos for diagnostic purposes, and even photos displaying recently pumped breastmilk (yes, really, either in an attempt to elicit sympathy or triumph, depending on the amount). One has to wonder whether these ladies have actual friends and family on Facebook who would want to see their photos, but then again, even my own mother would be aghast if I posted my breastmilk online for all the world to see.
Karma may come back to bite me on this one, but I just couldn't help poking fun at this mommy subculture. Truth be told, we all have a little crazy, crunchy momma in us. Some of us are just better at hiding the crazy than others ;)
