Well, it's been awhile since I last posted, and a lot has happened since then. The short story is that I gave birth to a healthy baby girl and am currently staying at home where I'm working for a dynamic duo that I've affectionately dubbed "the terrorists." Ah, the stories I could tell!
I'm not going to regale you with hilarious stories of my children; instead, I'd like to share with you a phenomenon that I've recently discovered as a stay-at-home mom with WIFI: mommy boards. Particularly, Facebook mommy boards. These are Facebook groups set up by some random mommy who then allows anyone who has the wherewithal to click "send friend request" to join and post at will. What began as a place for mommies to connect with each other and share tips for where to get the best deal on diapers has quickly devolved into a place for delusional women to fill the emotional voids in their lives with the advice and support of complete strangers. Don't get me wrong--there are still completely normal, mostly sane, women such as myself who use these boards for solving debates such as Costco v. Sams, but those posts aren't nearly as entertaining.
The worst offenders have to be those groups centered around the parenting practices of breastfeeding and childwearing (DISCLAIMER: I have breastfed and Baby Bjorn'ed both of my children, so don't think I'm unfairly picking on these groups as an outsider). With no further ado, I give you the top 8 craziest things you'll find on Facebook mommy boards:
1. Requesting (and giving!) Medical Advice:
Would you ask the random blond-haired thirty something that you are standing behind in line at the grocery store whether you should give your six month old ibuprofen for her fever? Of course not! But believe it or not, mommies are relying upon other mommy board followers to figure out everything from how to treat the latest respiratory virus going around to alternative schedules for vaccinations. Keep in mind that none of the posters identify themselves as having any sort of medical training whatsoever, but that doesn't stop the ignorant and entitled from using the board for diagnosis and treatment of actual medical conditions. The worst offenders are those who post pictures of rashes, bug bites, and other skin conditions so that others can weigh in on what they think is wrong with the kid. Just today I saw someone post a picture of the eye crud that she dug out of her kid's eye to ask if it "looked normal"??? Go to the freaking pediatrician you crazies!!! An internet connection and the ability to type something into Google does not an M.D. make!
2. Seeking Marital Advice:
Well, the subheading is a misnomer, because these women are not, in fact, looking for marital advice. They are using the mommy board as a substitute for venting to actual in-person friends. "My husband is so lazy. He never helps around the house--anyone else relate?" Of course we can all relate, because all men are lazy, selfish, ignorant, and stupid sometimes (but guess what, we're not so hot ourselves--hence the public shaming of the significant others online). Instead of divulging all the intimate details of your not-so-great romantic life online, why not invite a friend to coffee and get it out of your system in a fashion that can't be permanently accessed via the internet?!
3. Seeking Legal Advice:
This one may just be a personal issue for me given that I am a licensed attorney, and thankfully, the legal advice requested on mommy boards only extends to custody battles and traffic tickets, but for real people--do not take the advice of complete strangers when the ability to live with your kids, your driving privileges, and other important interests are at stake! Go see the mediator, pay the darn speeding ticket, and just try to get along when and where you can.
4. Seeking Financial Advice:
"HELP--hubs and I are over 10K in credit card debt, officially behind on our mortgage, and it looks like we won't be able to cover our bills again this month--any advice on how to get out of this mess???" Yes. Log off of Facebook, put down your smartphone, and run to the nearest financial professional, because believe it or not, the couponers on the mommy boards are not going to have the necessary knowledge on interest rates, debt-to-income ratios, or financial assistance. And I actually saw someone with a similar crisis turn down advice to follow the Dave Ramsey Financial Peace University program, because "it involves religion and stuff."
5. Public Shaming (husbands, baby daddies, mother-in-laws, etc.):
Don't air your dirty laundry on Facebook people! I don't care if the group is "closed" or "private." No one fully understands how the internet works (just ask Jennifer Lawrence how safe those photos were that she stored on the cloud...). I've even seen mommies vaguely accuse family members of sexual abuse! NEWS FLASH: we all have those times when we think our husbands are idiots, our mothers-in-laws are overbearing, and our bosses are complete jerks, but those trash sessions are best saved for happy hour with our girlfriends (you know, the flesh and blood people that you have conversations with face-to-face who would recognize you in a crowd despite the fact that your Facebook profile picture is your two year old dressed up like Superman).
6. Intentionally Controversial Posts:
Pick any controversial parenting practice that comes to mind, and you can bet that there are those on both sides of the issue who will intentionally "stir the pot" by posting a one-sided article or comment on the mommy board just for the sake of watching other mommies devour each other. It's like throwing a grenade in a crowded room and watching the chaos that ensues. My favorite posts are when someone shares an article from The Onion, and ignorant mommies attack without realizing the sarcastic bent of it all. So much for trying to be dry and witty, Momma!
7. Stalker Posts ("hi" to the momma wearing her squish in the navy blue ergo at the south county Target today!"):
This is just creepy, and it mainly applies to the babywearing mommy boards only. Yay, you noticed other mommies out in the world wearing their children. Unless you intend to approach those mommies in the wild for actual human interaction, no one cares that you spotted four ergos at the zoo on Friday afternoon. And just imagine the horror of coming home from the zoo with your two little ones and discovering that some crazy chick on the mommy boards was silently watching you from afar...most people would refer to that as stalking.
And finally,
8. Posting Inappropriate Photos:
I have seen countless selfies taken of mommies wearing their babies (some post for tips on whether they are using the carrier correctly, which is fine, but others post their pictures just for the publicity, which is kind of sad), the aforementioned "rash" photos for diagnostic purposes, and even photos displaying recently pumped breastmilk (yes, really, either in an attempt to elicit sympathy or triumph, depending on the amount). One has to wonder whether these ladies have actual friends and family on Facebook who would want to see their photos, but then again, even my own mother would be aghast if I posted my breastmilk online for all the world to see.
Karma may come back to bite me on this one, but I just couldn't help poking fun at this mommy subculture. Truth be told, we all have a little crazy, crunchy momma in us. Some of us are just better at hiding the crazy than others ;)
Sunday, September 7, 2014
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Ace Bandages and My Sister-in-Law: 2 Things That Come In Handy When I'm Pregnant
During my first pregnancy, I continued to run on a semi-regular basis well into my sixth month. I prematurely hung up my Asics after an unsuccessful 3 miler ended with a rolled ankle, scraped knee and hands, and a bruised ego.
No, that is not a discolored ham with toes, that is my swollen, bruised cankle. Lovely, isn't it?
Although it looks pretty horrible on film, I was able to recover fairly quickly with the aid of my trusty Ace bandage and the long-distance consultations I received from my sister-in-law who is a physical therapist. (Her name is also Amy Sanders, she also comes from a small Misssouri town, and has a brother named Chad...it is a weird, wacky coincidence that deserves a blog post all its own).
So fast forward to pregnancy no. 2. I vowed that this time around I would avoid all injury and keep running as long as my back and bladder could keep up. After a nasty bout of morning sickness then four weeks of bronchitis, then a record snowfall, I was itching to get back into a regular running routine. So I had about two days in a row of pre-dawn jogging and was feeling good. Then, this morning, as I was just easing into my first half mile, I started daydreaming about what I would eat when I went out to lunch with my coworkers (don't judge), and quite unexpectantly, my ankle rolled almost all the way to the ground, taking the rest of my body with it.
I caught myself just before eating pavement, but oh man, did it hurt! According to my Garmin, I was exactly .5 miles from home and had no option but to get up, grit my teeth, and hoof it back. Since it was a weekday, I also had no choice but to slap my trusty Ace bandage on, shove my cankle into some riding boots and headed to work.
Like before, I got some recommendations and reassurance from my sister-in-law that I had indeed sprained my ankle and would likely need 4-6 weeks to recover completely. It was like déjà-vu, only at five months instead of six.
I don't have a similarly grotesque picture of the ham with toes (at least not yet), but I was amused to find that at the end of a long day when I finally peeled the boot and Ace bandage off, my ankle wasn't swollen in the slightest! Instead of a ham dangling from the end of my leg, my calf had apparently ingested it.
Seriously, this photo is a dream for the Ace company marketing team and physical therapists everywhere who preach about compression wrapping to minimize swelling in the affected area.
Will I recover enough to give it another go? Or throw in the towel and take up pre-natal yoga instead? Only time will tell. Don't worry about me, though, I've got plenty of Ace bandages, ice packs, and FaceTime with my own personal physical therapist to get me through the next four months. For now, it's R.I.C.E. (whatever that stands for) and sleeping an extra hour in the mornings.
Maybe I should invest in a treadmill.
Monday, January 6, 2014
A New Year
So the throes of first trimester morning sickness got the best of me, then I got bronchitis, and then the holiday season got underway, yadda, yadda, yadda, it's been awhile since I've last posted. But now I'm back with plenty of updates from the past few months:
--Morning sickness was much worse this time around with baby no. 2. It should be more accurately described as morning/noon/night sickness, because it was with me always. I only had one day of official upchucking (unfortunately, it happened at work, in my office trashcan...ew). After six weeks of going from "this isn't so bad," to "why aren't the crackers and Sprite working anymore?" to "Mrs. Sanders--you really need to try and eat something", I finally regained an appetite, but the casualty was the eight pounds I lost in the meantime. Don't worry about me, though, I recovered just a day or so before Thanksgiving, and my appetite went from "bird" to "truck driver" in time for all of the holiday calories. I'm in the black now and tipping the scales, so all's well that ends well.
Here's a pic of my growing bump at Thanksgiving (12 weeks):
--And if you were worried that the end of my all-day-sickness would leave me without something to complain about, don't be. Days after recovering my appetite I developed a deep, hacking cough. No cold, no runny nose, just a cough. So I sucked down cough drops and grossed out my co-workers and friends for two weeks before finally going in to see the doctor, and lo and behold--bronchitis. My doctor is very "women have been having babies for thousands of years and you'll be fine," so his prescription was to "take it easy, keep taking Mucinex/Robitussin, and let me know if it gets any worse." Well, after two more weeks of hacking, and then developing a sinus infection on top of the bronchitis, he finally caved and called me in a prescription for a Z-Pak. Thank goodness for modern medicine. Although my cough/cold is still lingering, it's nice to be able to breathe at night and not gag myself from coughing.
--Just days before Christmas, my soon-to-be-a-big-brother celebrated his second birthday. As a fellow holder of a winter birthday, I understand better than most how depressing it can be to creatively try to celebrate your birthday when most of your friends get pool parties and picnics at the park. So, this mommy decided to think outside of the box and take advantage of one of Forrest's loves--The St. Louis Zoo. A quick google of the Zoo's website revealed that the package "official" Zoo birthday party started at $350 for just 20 people (yikes!), so I decided to take advantage of the free amenities available at the Zoo and improvise. We picked a Saturday morning, sent out the invites, and told everyone to dress warmly. My husband and I spent a few Saturdays beforehand scouting out the Zoo for free-birthday-party-friendly areas. We settled on the indoor café, where even though the sign on the door says "no outside food or drinks," we figured that if we bought all of our party guests hot chocolate and coffee from the concession stand, they wouldn't notice the box of doughnuts that we were substituting for birthday cake (my son LOVES donuts, so he'd rather have a dozen donut holes than a three-tiered confection). A little cold but a good idea, right? So, as the weekend approached, the weather forecast wavered from cold, to icy precipitation, to cold rain. Sure enough, the morning of his party was a washout. But what can you do at the last minute? We texted our guests and assured them that with umbrellas and heavy coats, we'd be just fine. We walked into the Zoo and into the indoor café where we were greeted by Santa, about 50 patrons, and a lavish brunch spread...turns out the "Breakfast with Santa" was moved from the private event space to the public café last minute. Oh boy. Then, we were told by Zoo staff that the only other indoor concession stand available at the Zoo was not open to the public that day, and they didn't have any concession stands of any kind available. We must've looked pathetic, so the wonderful people at the Zoo set up a mini concession stand in the welcome center, along with enough tables and chairs to accommodate us, and let us have our run of it. They were awesome and kept apologizing for the inconvenience. The kids ate donuts and ran around this huge empty space for an hour before we bundled up and headed outside. We stuck to the indoor exhibits, and after all the hubbub, we only made it to the Primate House. We had the place to ourselves, and the primates played their part while showing off for the kids. As we were walking back towards the entrance, we realized that despite the weather, the sea lion feeding was happening. We stood around the tank and watched while the handlers fed the sea lions, introduced us to all of them, and answered our questions. Two of the more cooperative performers even "sang" Happy Birthday to my son. Although may have wondered if I'd lost my mind, my son had a blast, and it was a perfect way to celebrate him.
--Christmas was a whirlwind of activity, but over the course of the season we saw Christmas lights, decorated a gingerbread house, sent Christmas cards, visited Santa, volunteered at a local Christmas shop, hung our own Christmas lights, decorated the house, baked cookies, wrapped presents, attended holiday parties, and celebrated with family and friends. And given the way Christmas and New Year's fell during the week, we were fortunate enough to have plenty of time off to enjoy it all.
--Now we are currently in the deep freeze of January, and I'm snowed in at home, hurrying to finish this lengthy post before my son loses interest in cartoons, tractors, trucks, puzzles, and blocks...that reminds me of my official New Year's resolution--to be a more patient mother who cuts back on her use of her IPad, IPhone, tv, etc. to be more present with her family.
--Things to look forward to over the next few months: my 30th birthday (yes, I'm looking forward to it), Valentine's Day, and beginning to potty train my two year old. Until then, stay safe, and stay warm!
--Morning sickness was much worse this time around with baby no. 2. It should be more accurately described as morning/noon/night sickness, because it was with me always. I only had one day of official upchucking (unfortunately, it happened at work, in my office trashcan...ew). After six weeks of going from "this isn't so bad," to "why aren't the crackers and Sprite working anymore?" to "Mrs. Sanders--you really need to try and eat something", I finally regained an appetite, but the casualty was the eight pounds I lost in the meantime. Don't worry about me, though, I recovered just a day or so before Thanksgiving, and my appetite went from "bird" to "truck driver" in time for all of the holiday calories. I'm in the black now and tipping the scales, so all's well that ends well.
Here's a pic of my growing bump at Thanksgiving (12 weeks):
--And if you were worried that the end of my all-day-sickness would leave me without something to complain about, don't be. Days after recovering my appetite I developed a deep, hacking cough. No cold, no runny nose, just a cough. So I sucked down cough drops and grossed out my co-workers and friends for two weeks before finally going in to see the doctor, and lo and behold--bronchitis. My doctor is very "women have been having babies for thousands of years and you'll be fine," so his prescription was to "take it easy, keep taking Mucinex/Robitussin, and let me know if it gets any worse." Well, after two more weeks of hacking, and then developing a sinus infection on top of the bronchitis, he finally caved and called me in a prescription for a Z-Pak. Thank goodness for modern medicine. Although my cough/cold is still lingering, it's nice to be able to breathe at night and not gag myself from coughing.
--Just days before Christmas, my soon-to-be-a-big-brother celebrated his second birthday. As a fellow holder of a winter birthday, I understand better than most how depressing it can be to creatively try to celebrate your birthday when most of your friends get pool parties and picnics at the park. So, this mommy decided to think outside of the box and take advantage of one of Forrest's loves--The St. Louis Zoo. A quick google of the Zoo's website revealed that the package "official" Zoo birthday party started at $350 for just 20 people (yikes!), so I decided to take advantage of the free amenities available at the Zoo and improvise. We picked a Saturday morning, sent out the invites, and told everyone to dress warmly. My husband and I spent a few Saturdays beforehand scouting out the Zoo for free-birthday-party-friendly areas. We settled on the indoor café, where even though the sign on the door says "no outside food or drinks," we figured that if we bought all of our party guests hot chocolate and coffee from the concession stand, they wouldn't notice the box of doughnuts that we were substituting for birthday cake (my son LOVES donuts, so he'd rather have a dozen donut holes than a three-tiered confection). A little cold but a good idea, right? So, as the weekend approached, the weather forecast wavered from cold, to icy precipitation, to cold rain. Sure enough, the morning of his party was a washout. But what can you do at the last minute? We texted our guests and assured them that with umbrellas and heavy coats, we'd be just fine. We walked into the Zoo and into the indoor café where we were greeted by Santa, about 50 patrons, and a lavish brunch spread...turns out the "Breakfast with Santa" was moved from the private event space to the public café last minute. Oh boy. Then, we were told by Zoo staff that the only other indoor concession stand available at the Zoo was not open to the public that day, and they didn't have any concession stands of any kind available. We must've looked pathetic, so the wonderful people at the Zoo set up a mini concession stand in the welcome center, along with enough tables and chairs to accommodate us, and let us have our run of it. They were awesome and kept apologizing for the inconvenience. The kids ate donuts and ran around this huge empty space for an hour before we bundled up and headed outside. We stuck to the indoor exhibits, and after all the hubbub, we only made it to the Primate House. We had the place to ourselves, and the primates played their part while showing off for the kids. As we were walking back towards the entrance, we realized that despite the weather, the sea lion feeding was happening. We stood around the tank and watched while the handlers fed the sea lions, introduced us to all of them, and answered our questions. Two of the more cooperative performers even "sang" Happy Birthday to my son. Although may have wondered if I'd lost my mind, my son had a blast, and it was a perfect way to celebrate him.
--Christmas was a whirlwind of activity, but over the course of the season we saw Christmas lights, decorated a gingerbread house, sent Christmas cards, visited Santa, volunteered at a local Christmas shop, hung our own Christmas lights, decorated the house, baked cookies, wrapped presents, attended holiday parties, and celebrated with family and friends. And given the way Christmas and New Year's fell during the week, we were fortunate enough to have plenty of time off to enjoy it all.
--Now we are currently in the deep freeze of January, and I'm snowed in at home, hurrying to finish this lengthy post before my son loses interest in cartoons, tractors, trucks, puzzles, and blocks...that reminds me of my official New Year's resolution--to be a more patient mother who cuts back on her use of her IPad, IPhone, tv, etc. to be more present with her family.
--Things to look forward to over the next few months: my 30th birthday (yes, I'm looking forward to it), Valentine's Day, and beginning to potty train my two year old. Until then, stay safe, and stay warm!
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